Jackie Clarke Comedy Genius

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2010-07-08T10:59:00.001-07:00

I am in the process of updating my website.
In the meantime - please follow my Tumblr blog, which I am updating more frequently

Worst or Best Wedding DJ Ever

2010-05-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my friend, Lindy Gomez who sent me this.
It ALMOST makes me like Genesis. Damn, I love her expression of stone-faced-abuse-taking.

Shows shows shows!!!

2010-05-06T17:27:00.000-07:00

Please come see me in shows this weekend!

- DEATH BY ROO ROO: Your F'ed Up Family
Take an improvised journey into your family’s dysfunction... Did your Dad try to kill your Mom’s boyfriend? Did your sister start a fire on Thanksgiving? Or did someone just forget Grandma in the car for a few hours? Let Roo Roo West take what caused your family pain and turn it into a night of hilarious improv comedy for all to enjoy.

"Some of the raunchiest and funniest improv in town." -LA Weekly

EVERY FRIDAY at 9:30 PM
Tickets here
UCB LA
5919 Franklin Ave Hollywood, CA 90028

- THE MISMATCH GAME
MatchGame as it was intended to be...I'll be playing Elizabeth Taylor's Twitter account at the MisMatch Game. (If you haven't seen it, treat yourself at Twitter.com/DameElizabeth)

SATURDAY at 8PM
Tickets here
LA Gay and Lesbian Center

1625 N. Schrader Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90028-6213

- WORST LAID PLANS: Book Release Show!
Saturday at 10 PM
Tickets here

When bad sex happens to good people...there's no recourse like disclosure. This very special episode of Worst Laid Plans will feature some seriously funny bedroom bloopers in celebration of the Worst Laid Plans book release! Books will be available for purchase and signing.

UCB LA
5919 Franklin Ave Hollywood, CA 90028

And you can buy the book on Amazon here

Sports Illustrated: Illustrating My Nightmares

2010-05-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

This may be the worst SI cover in the history of all mankind. Look at this shit. HOW LAME IS THIS? This cover makes me ask so many questions:

- Is Mariano Rivera a Palm Springs housewife?
- Who is Andy Petite blowing a fart at?
- Is Derek Jeter so impressed with his fragrance (Avon presents Derek Jeter's "Driven") that he doesn't have to be a part of this tomfoolery?
- WHY IS JOSE "NO NUTS" POSADA A KNEE-TOUCHER?

Seriously, what the f-bomb is Posada doing? I am wretching as I write this. He is not touching one Yankee knee but two. He manages to get a full-palm on Rivera and a light graze on Petite. What the hell is wrong with monkey-ears? What is going on Posada, were you so unloved as a child you think this is a hug, you dummy?

This is the worst photo is the world. This is like seeing a picture of Hitler, Pol Pot, Idi Amin and Dick Cheney doing the hokey pokey.

Chan Ho Fart

2010-04-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

Stankees relief pitcher explains his poopie situation. The guy says diarrhea so many times - it kills me. And whomever is giggling in the background, you are my new favorite Yankee. (But don't get too excited, even my favorite Yankees rank lower than Chan Ho Park's diarrhea.)

Yankees Swallow

2010-04-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

Sam proposed an NCAA bracket this year. I joined despite the fact that I don't know squat about college hoops. (I follow baseball and football but that's all my brain can handle for sports, I need room for musical theater and gay people.)

My favorite thing about the bracket is that Sam, a HUGE Yankees fan, is surrounded by Yankees haters. That just kills me. And congrats to "Yankees Swallow" for the win!

Getting in the mood for baseball

2010-03-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Ray for getting me all fired up for baseball!

Farts Kill Me

2009-12-11T16:34:00.000-08:00

Please watch this. A City Council meeting gets interfarted.

Via Dlisted

Sox Vs Red Sox

2009-08-06T12:31:00.001-07:00

Today is the start of a four game Sox/Yankee series. I, in further proof I need loads of therapy, am engaged to a Yankee fan. Today there have been some truly toxic emails going back and forth between me, Sam and Matt Felix, a Sox fan.

Sam is from Indiana and the fact that he is a Yankees fan rightfully annoys Matt Felix. So Matt wrote Sam this email:

Sam,

If you don't identify w/ the Midwest,it should be a natural progression for you, as a man of fine tastes and good breeding, to embrace New England along with it's fine sports teams w/ their rich traditions. You are with a great gal who is born and bred. NY has no real unique culture aside from commerce and the various ethnic groups. CA is shallow and modern. Of the commonly recognized geographic regions of the United States, only New England offers a non-pathological culture that you can really sink your teeth into. It is the the land of wooden ships and iron men. It will never be too late to admit the mistake you made by becoming a Yankees, Lakers and Cowboys fan. And what an incredible gesture it would be to your special one as well as yourself. C'mon over from the Dark Side, Sam! We are all ready to welcome you into the NE sports family.

Your Friend,

Matt Felix

I couldn't agree more. Go SOX!!!

Non-Watchmen Penis Post

2009-03-12T09:54:00.001-07:00

My friend Susan and I were watching "Make Me a Supermodel" when I paused my Tivo on this image

The penis is question is Gabriel. According to Bravo's website Gabriel "enjoys sports, including basketball, wakeboarding and football, plays the guitar, and loves to write. He works as a freelance photographer and enjoys traveling by himself."

Charming, although I have no idea what wakeboarding is. Come to think of it, you know who also enjoys traveling by themselves? Serial killers.

Who cares! He has a big penis!

Ebay Loves Gerald Ford

2009-03-11T12:09:00.000-07:00

For some reason unkown to me, Ebay thinks I want an autographed Gerald Ford photo.

I don't know what is sadder, the unsolicited email or the fact that it is selling for less than ten dollars American.

NYC Through the Eyes of John Flynn

2008-12-16T16:51:00.002-08:00

I moved to the greater Los Angeles area in August and although it is quite lovely, I definitely miss New York. My friend and "Showgirls" co-conspirator, John Flynn has been sending me texts updating me on the going-ons of NYC.

Now this isn't the crap now one cares about: the leaves are changing or the Rockefeller Christmas tree went up. No, this is the real shit. The real NYC.

I now present the first, in what I hope to be a long series, of NYC Through the Eyes of John Flynn:

"There is a Hispanic guy doing a one-armed handstand inches away from me on the subway. I may end up with a knee in the face."

Thank you John!!!

Wheee!

2008-11-04T23:52:00.002-08:00

This kid in Indonesia says it best.

Gayer than Gay Sex

2008-11-02T18:40:00.004-08:00

Wow. This is uncomfortable for so many reasons.
- Seeing A-Rod smile is like catching your parents doing it. Creepy.
- I thought it was a commercial about losers so why is Phelps in it?
- This is the type of thing that even gay people say is waaaaaay tooooo gaaaaaay!

Yikes.

Starting to Feel Bad for McCain

2008-10-30T17:11:00.002-07:00

This made me DIE laughing. (From Bill Maher's show)

DIE DIE DIE
"Oh Grandpa" is now my new catch-phrase!

But now after this today (fast forward to :50)

I once saw my Dad throw up. Watching that makes me feel the same. Sort of shock, some amusement and a potent sense of my own mortality.

20 Second Movie Review: Flash of Genius

2008-10-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

The always delightful Dennis Hensley took me to a screener of "Flash of Genius."

"FOG" is the true story of inventor and bad husband and father, Robert Kearns, who sued the Ford Motor company for stealing his invention for the intermittent windshield wipe.

My 20 second review:

"Flash of Genius" more like "Piece of Crap." I was rooting for Ford.

You can not enjoy the trailer here:

Existential bulimia

2008-10-01T17:19:00.003-07:00

I had an unfortunate incident with a donut today. Actually three donuts.

You see, my friend Danielle left a box of donuts at my house. And to be fair I went over 24 hours without shoving my face in them. I picked at them, like a lady.

This afternoon I discovered that the glazed ones were really soft and fresh (unlike the chocolate covered ones that I had been picking at). So in a fit of heat induced hysteria, I devoured the outer shell of three glazed donuts. Really fast.

I took the rest of the donuts and the donut guts and ran water over them then threw them away. I am a hot mess.

I was told I have existential bulimia. I agree.

Woops! Update!

2008-09-21T21:50:00.004-07:00

I have been gone from the blog for too long! In my defense I had to relocate to LA for a job and that took up a lot of my time. Wah wah poor me.

Here are a couple of pix that sum up my new LA experience. (Taken with my new iPhone. Jealous? No...oh you have one. Nevermind.)

I got a job doing a voice a new "Nick at Nite" cartoon. The show is really funny and I think it is going to be pretty awesome. This is my fancy-schmancy parking spot!

Wheee! I have made it.

Oh wait a minute, not so fast.

This is a pic of my new place in West Hollywood. A homeless man stores his cart, and apparently his toilet, in the bushes in the front yard.

Troy was here!

2008-08-07T07:28:00.002-07:00

This is us at the NYC Transit Museum. We had a little accident!

Dialogues with Women

2008-07-14T09:50:00.003-07:00

My good friend John Flynn is in San Francisco this weekend and sent me this flier for a workshop that could only occur in San Francisco (or perhaps part of the Berkshires).

Dialogues with Women

Relationships
Do we need them?
What is their function?

I can't believe the event is FREE!

Bye Bye LA!

2008-06-30T09:36:00.003-07:00

Last night as I was driving home I decided I needed an iced-coffee. I stopped at the McDonalds drive-thru to get one (guess what? not a quality product) and I saw this image

A dude in a wheelchair.

Can you do that?

Ali Lohan: MILF

2008-06-10T17:31:00.002-07:00

Ali Lohan is Lindsay Lohan's little sister. She is the 14 year-old spawn of Parents-of-the-Year Dina and Michael Lohan. I recently saw a picture of Ali Lohan that made my head spin.

This is a picture of a 14 year-old girl. Lemme write it one more time: she is 14 years old. Not 34 or 44. 14. There is no doubt that she is a beautiful girl. Those Lohans have some good genes. (Unfortunately the same genes that provide shiny hair, adorable freckles and sparkling eyes tend to like cocaine and driving while drunk.)
I just can't get over the fact that this kid is 14. She looks like she's twice divorced with a step-daughter. She looks like she should be leading a "Parents without Partners" meeting. She has the same intense eyes as someone who has battled a diet pill addiction. But how!?! She is 14 years-old.
There is no doubt in my mind that Ali Lohan, age 14, is hotter than I am at my current adult age. I have a lot of hot friends that have kids and Ali Lohan is more of a MILF than they are. But for the sake of a fair comparison, this is a picture of me when I was 14.
Note the lack of make-up or hair extensions. Note the side-ponytail (I did it myself). Note the braces and the pixelated Scotty dog sweater.
I agree, this is a pretty dorky picture that screams "future comedian." But shouldn't 14 year-old girls look more dorky than hot? I know I am being old-lady-no-fun for saying that, but a 14 year-old girl looking that smoking just doesn't seem natural. But then again I may just be jealous because Ali Lohan is way hotter than I am.
***

Also, Phil Jackson is a douche bag baby. I just had to say that. I would love for Boston to beat LA in four games just to see that fat face cry.
That is all.

Wayne Newton Mouth

2008-06-08T11:48:00.009-07:00

This week I am blogging over at Funny or Die. So I am going to be posting my FOD blogs here as well.
***

One of the things I have noticed since I have been in LA is an occurrence I am calling "Wayne Newton Mouth." Wayne Newton Mouth or WNM is when a person has plastic surgery on their face and end up with Wayne Newton's mouth. I noticed it on a woman at the gym, it was on the guy with the camouflage pants and "Just for Men" dyed hair biking at the Grove. I think everyone who gets plastic surgery gets the same mouth. Don't believe me? Let's take a peek.

This is Wayne Newton

Look at his mouth. I have seen clowns at children's parties with a less creepy mouth. (Obviously there is a lot wrong with the Wayne Newton photo: the make-up, the eyes so tight he looks like he's impersonating Renee Zellweger, the Mystic Tan, the old-man chest hair, but today we are focusing on just the mouth.)

Meg Ryan has Wayne Newton Mouth.

And she has some weird boobs. It is as if she asked for a mid-belly boob job. "I want HUGE boobs, hovering over my belly button."

Jocelyn Wildenstein has a horrifying example of WNM. Jesus, that woman is scarier than the "Hostel" movies.

How do you think me and my daughter look with Wayne Newton mouth?

Pretty hot.

LA Update: Colon Cleanse

2008-06-03T06:47:00.001-07:00

While I am in LA, I am staying with my good friend Seth. He's hilarious and a great friend. But he's the kind of guy who's on MySpace, not Facebook. So he's got some problems.

Trying to be a good roomie, I did a little grocery shopping. I went to Trader Joe's which may possibly be the high-light of my trip. I am not saying that to dis LA. My experience at Trader Joe's was Zen-like. The one on 14th St in Manhattan is insane 24/7. I have only been once, on a Tuesday at 2pm, and the line was snaking to the door. Complete nightmare.

To tell the rest of the story there is not way around this fact: I like a lot of fiber in my diet. I take psyllium husk caps. They keep things moving if you know what I mean (poop).

I had to buy some in LA and I figured hippie-dippie Trader Joes would have them. They didn't have straight psyllium husk but they had something called "Colon Cleanse" and I figured that's close enough.

I come home later that night to find my "Colon Cleanse" defaced by Seth.

A note with a question mark. (Note the bottle of "Colon Cleanse" with a drawing of one's colon. And note the lovely LA light.)

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DOING IN MY HOUSE?"

This note has some problems.

The Highlighter. Seth couldn't grab a pen? People who write with highlighters are telling themselves "I am not worth it."

The Handwriting: I know the standard thing to say with creepy handwriting is "looks like a serial killer." But this really does look like a serial killer. I thought to prove the point I would show you an example of the Unabomber's handwriting.

I actually think the Unabomber's handwriting is neater that Seth's. Yikes.

In conclusion, yes I buy pills to help me digest my food but Seth is a green-highlighter Unabomber. Which would you rather be?

Showgirls in LA!

2008-06-02T06:11:00.000-07:00

Please come to this very funny show!

Join Mr. "Joe Eszterhas" as he is interviewed by Glendale Community College's gender and film historian, Jackie Clarke. And, under the direction of John Flynn, (Cama-little, Almost Streisand: The Lanie Kazan Story) scenes from "Showgirls" will come alive onstage.

It's half staged reading, half "Inside the Actor's Studio," and half female empowerment, Eszterhas style.

SHOWGIRLS: THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE. EVER!
4 NIGHTS ONLY
Thurs. June 5th at 9:30pm | $5 - Special guest Rob Corddry
Thurs. June 12th at 9:30pm | $5
Friday June 20th at 8pm | $8
Friday June 27th at 8pm | $8

UCB Los Angeles
5919 Franklin Ave (btw Tamarind & North Bronson)
323-908-8702 | tickets here

Read Nomi Malone's blog here!

LA Update: Paper Wars

2008-05-30T16:30:00.005-07:00

I have decided the writing in the LA Times isn't as good as the NY Times. But the LA Times is also less intimidating. It's like going to a state college versus a real school.

Some interesting LA stories:

Japanese Gang Members Get Liver Transplants
Yikes. I thought only alcoholic celebrities got preferential livers. Note to self: if I need an organ, get out of LA.

Smoking May be Banned in Apartments
I love civil liberties, but even I was secretly glad when Bloomberg banned smoking in bars in NYC. But this story reeks of CA Kookiness. No smoking in your own home. If people wanna ruin their lives, let them.

Dodgers Fan Shatters Jaw
This story is a doozy. A broken bat flew into a woman's face and shattered her jaw. At first glance, I have a hard time feeling bad for any person who can afford seats close enough to shatter a face. But then I read further and couldn't help feeling bad for this gal. She's a single Mom. The Dodgers won't pay anything.

Worst of all...she was hit in the face by a Colorado Rockie, Todd Helton. If I didn't already full-blown hate about 15 teams I would add the Rockies to the list (but I just don't have the energy).

The Rockies are a Christian team and they consider character when signing players. Blech. When the Red Sox were sweeping the Rockies in the World Series I would text my friend, Jess Allen, "Where is your God now, Rockies?" I can now add "shatter faces" to the list of Rockies offenses.

Day 1: Los Angeles

2008-05-29T17:36:00.003-07:00

Today is my first day in Los Angeles. The delightful John Flynn and I are resurrecting that old chestnut, "SHOWGIRLS: The Best Movie Ever Made, Ever!" at the UCB Theatre in LA. So I will be here all of June. And before some trash-heap decides June is the perfect time to break into Jackie Clarke's vacant Crown Heights apartment, think again. I bought a pitbull and he's staying at my place.

Any trip to LA comes equipped with lots of free time, so this blog may get a little more attention than usual.

I took a late flight from Newark yesterday and my travels were not exactly smooth. My friend Matt (Big Eaters Club) offered (once I asked) to drive me to Newark. We have a history of patronizing Ikea for meatballs not for home goods. We also have a history of leaving talismans there. Last Christmas, we smuggled in a Jesus night-light and we left it in a fully furnished children's bedroom. Why? Got me.

A couple weeks ago Matt texted me and told me the talisman for this trip was a doozy. He was right! It was a thrift store Christmas angel that someone had spray-painted a turdy Hulk green. Matt added a few feet of ribbon and pasted homemade cut-out letters that read "Good Luck in Los Angeles, Jackie" with the middle ribbon reading, "Ikea." One can't forget to appease the gods.

Sadly, we never made it to Ikea. Matt's car sighed it's last sigh in Elizabeth, NJ. So I had to pay a taxi to drive me one mile to the airport. $25, thank you very much.

I flew Continental because I had a ton of random Continental miles to burn. I paid $30 for the flight and that was too much. Flying Continental is like traveling cross-country in a homeless shelter.

Things stayed interesting on the flight as there was a crazy person on the plane. I walked on and this old nut job was yelling about Los Angeles, "I love Los Angeles! I am going motherfucking home." Of course he was seated in front of me. I was starting to panic. Airlines are doing everything to save gas so this flight was scheduled at almost six hours. Luckily he was thrown off the flight and we took off...an hour late.

Now I'm in LA and I haven't gotten into a car accident yet. Yay!

Email Exchange: Me and My Sister

2008-05-20T14:54:00.003-07:00

The following email exchange took place between me and my sister while I was having my period (sorry fellas):

JACKIE TO ALI:
I HAVE THE WORST CRAMPS!!!!!!!

I had to tell someone that. Thank you.

ALI TO JACKIE:
I will be out of the office starting 05/22/2008 and will not return until 05/28/2008.

Please contact Tanya Dole for assistance at ext 44869

Let me tell you something, Tanya did not care about my cramps.

Mad at the MTA

2008-05-20T14:49:00.005-07:00

"FUCK THIS BUS!"

Someone in Brooklyn is happy with the service on the B65 Bus.
Oh, wait. They are UNHAPPY with the bus service. UNHAPPY.

One sentence movie review: "Don't Mess with Zohan"

2008-05-20T14:32:00.003-07:00

I was having brunch with some friends this past Sunday when my friend Jesse, apropos of nothing drops mentions the new Adam Sandler movie, "Don't Mess with Zohan." Now, I'm not a huge comedy snob, I think a lot of Adam Sandler's stuff can be really funny. Steve Buschemi putting on lipstick in "Billy Madison" is pure weird comedy.

"Don't Mess With Zohan" looks a lot like a stool sample. Jesse, a man with normally good taste, disagrees. He thinks the preview looks really funny. He's not sure if the movie will live up to the high expectations of the preview, but he LOVES the preview.

Of course I thought of Jesse when I saw this simple and to the point graffiti review.

"Borat + Chuck Norris="Don't Mess with Zohan."

I mean, 'nuff said, right? That totally nails what is wrong with it. This movie is a completely rip-off of two things you don't want combined.

Another plus on the ad is Adam Sandler had to use a stunt double for his legs. There is no way he has thighs like that. NO WAY!

Happy Mother's Day One-Eyed Don!

2008-05-12T11:31:00.004-07:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Every year I send my sister a card and call her. But this year she gave me a Mother's Day present in the shape of a classic Ali email. She bartends every Sunday and yesterday was no different.

Thanks for the call yesterday. As you know I was at work..where I got to witness some dude lose a tooth while eating his salad. Yes, he was literally holding it in his hand..then tried to blame it on the salad..I told him he had a crappy dentist. Unreal.

He then wanted to take out his dental plate..(I guess the plate holds all the fake teeth..ugh I dunno) and to make it worse he only has 1 eye, we call him 1 eyed Don because there are several Don's.

We are horrible people.

One-eyed Don. My sister is such a genius.

Although I am sorry she had to spend Mother's Day looking at a one-eyed, no-toothed freak, I am glad she shares this stuff with me.

Last Obsessed Until the Fall!

2008-05-07T08:18:00.002-07:00

You read it correctly - Obsessed is taking a summer hiatus and going to musical theater camp! So come by the show Thursday and get enough Julie and Jackie goodness to last all summer.

OBSESSED
Thursday, May 8 at 9:30 pm
UCB Theatre | Only $5
Reservations online or 212-366-9176
307 West 26th St (West of 8th Ave)

With
Andrew Andrew
Mitch Magee
and the teenagers who made this video

Spring Means Baseball! Go Sox!

2008-05-06T14:33:00.011-07:00

Spring is upon us and that means that baseball is here again. Thank goodness!

So here are some fun baseball thing-a-ma-jigs.

Sox/Yanks rivalry ends in death.
Bruised up Yanks fan, Ivonne Hernandez ran over a few Red Sox fans, killing one. This dope of a woman was at a bar in Nashua, NH proclaiming her Yanks fandom then jumped into her car to escape the chants of "Yankees Suck." A Yankes fan in NH? I smell an execution.

Speaking of the Yankees...lookie, lookie what I found!

I was taking out the trash one fine day when I looked into the garbage and found a Yanks cap. Now I know what you are supposed to do with those hats. I wonder if that hat is covering Phil Hughes ERA. Ha ha! Yankees suck!

And here is some fun Mets graffiti:

SNY has a bunch of Mets ads up around the city that frustrated fans have been delighting in scribbling over.

David Wright

Professional sports is the hobgoblin of the weak

Yikes. I love it when graffiti gets dorky and philosophical!

This graffiti is a little more NYC Classic:

I *think* that is Jose Reyes but I don't watch the Mets enough to know or care. But who cares WHAT player it is when he is smoking a huge "bluntz" while sliding into a base.

Play ball!

Pinkberry Lies

2008-04-24T06:59:00.002-07:00

Lies! You've all been eating lies!

People have been RAVING about Pinkberry but I never trusted it as the company refused to release the ingredients. I can't believe that New Yorkers en masse would put something in their mouths that they knew nothing about.

Well the ingredients have been released and Pinkberry is...not so natural. Unless you consider propylene glycol esters, lactoglycerides, sodium acid pyrophosphate, mono- and diglycerides natural.

“Isn’t it amazing how many additives it takes to make something taste natural?” Dr. Reineccius said.

Feels good to be me!

McCain Girls

2008-04-11T12:17:00.002-07:00

I may be late to the party on this one, but my friend Flossie turned me onto the McCain Girls video below. It is almost unspeakable in its badness.

Now I don't want to pick on these ladies because they are unattractive. They aren't heinous and individually they are pretty standard looking. But when you combine their forces it unleashes a jolt of unfuckability that is usually only seen at country & western concerts. It is amazing to see three odd looking women of three different races (and one of these gals is certified AARP) lip-syncing for McCain.

This song is proof that Apple shouldn't include Garage Band in with their operating software. I'm sure it is how the Manhattan Project fellas felt when they saw the actual damage an atom bomb can cause.

I recommend the ENTIRE video. If you have a bong handy then more power to you.

If you want a "best of recommendation" then go to 1:40 for some sweet green-screen action. The ladies fake a conversation in front of a window as dozens of McCains are raining down. Then one gal does a pretty good job miming opening the window until she lets her hands go nuts and reaches waaay over her head. Then the old one acts sexy. Blargh.

This is basically the most hilarious reason to vote McCain.

Obsessed! Thursday! Music Edition! MC Chris and Wendy Ho!

2008-04-08T12:52:00.003-07:00

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and Obsessed is ready to celebrate Spring with you this Thursday!

Thursday, April 10
9:30 PM | UCB Theatre
307 West 26th St
Only $5 | 212-366-9176 or here for reservations

This month we're Obsessed with music!
With
Rapper Extraordinarre MC Chris
And the gal responsible for the hit-single "Bitch, I Stole Your Purse" Wendy Ho

Don't forget to douche!

The Yankees Cause Suicide

2008-04-02T10:07:00.002-07:00

Need Proof?

Here it is:

A man hijacked a Con Edison van after shooting a woman in the Bronx on Tuesday night, then shot and killed himself as the police closed in on him while he was stuck in traffic outside Yankee Stadium, the police said.

Or maybe he remembered Joba's fat head and neck covered in flies during the Cleveland series from last season.

Yankees Kill!

Huzzah? Wuzzah...French Safe Sex PSA!

2008-03-31T08:23:00.004-07:00

Words cannot describe the weirdness of the clip below. My friend, Matt Decoster alerted me to the short and I cannot imagine how a straight man found this gift from the YouTube gods.

The song will make you want to join a cult. Even if you don't watch the whole thing fast forward to about 1:30 to see the most realistic portrayal of gay lovemaking I have ever encountered.

And I am not sure what the message is beyond if you have sex after a horrible hate crime, wear a condom.

Enjoy!

Simple and Sarcastic. Swoon.

2008-03-20T10:00:00.005-07:00

The new Tylenol "Feel Better" ads that seem to be challenging Brett Gelman's "Little Bit of Luck" for title of NYC's most ubiquitous ads, are very Captain Obvious. They offer helpful advice such as "when you're hungry eat" and "if you can't sleep take a sleeping pill." Not exactly groundbreaking advertising.

So imagine my delight when I stumbled on this simple and perfectly snarky graffiti.

"If you're sick, GENIUS take a sick day."

Genius. I love the correct punctuation. I love the simplicity. And I love that someone crossed out "Tylenol" and added a tag. Like we're to believe that Tylenol no longer makes Tylenol. Clean pink slippers. An added bonus.

Eliot: Spitzer or 'ET?

2008-03-20T09:53:00.004-07:00

I saw this ad for keeping it green where someone wrote "Why Eliot?" I guess because of the bike my immediate thought was "this person is obsessed with 'ET' the movie." Then, to quote my sophomore English teacher who died from complications due to alcoholism, 'light dawns on marble head." Eliot Spitzer. Who boinked a whore and had to quit his job...as governor. I get it!

Enjoy the graffiti the way Eliot enjoyed that $4,000 hummer!

David Paterson Likes Sex Too!

2008-03-19T08:25:00.002-07:00

The new New York State governor, David Paterson has admitted to having extra-martial affairs. Unlike many of these situations, his wife admitted to getting some on the side which makes the ERA feminist in me smile with glee.

According to the "Daily News," Paterson said

he and the other woman sometimes stayed at an upper West Side hotel — the Days Inn at Broadway and W. 94th St.

The DAYS INN!
I love this guy. This is EXACTLY who I want governing New York. Paterson knows enough to not pay for something (sex) you can get for free. And when he does get it he does it bargain style at the Days Inn.

I can't wait for updates on the budget talks!

St Patty's Day Aftermath

2008-03-18T09:19:00.004-07:00

That tall Dr. Seuss Guniess hat seems so fun when the evening starts.

Wearing it alone at 1 am on the subway seems less fun.

OBSESSED: This Thursday!

2008-03-12T13:19:00.003-07:00

OBSESSED WITH JULIE & JACKIE
This Thursday don't miss OBSESSED!

Thursday, March 13th at 9:30 PM
UCB Theater NY | 307 West 26th Street @ 8th Ave
212.366.9176 | http://ucbtheater.com for rezzies
$5 bucks

This month:

OBSESSED Goes Commercial
Featuring your favorite shills:

Adira Amram
Brett Gelman "Little Bit of Luck"
Stoley (who will be singing the IO Digital Cable jingle, for your enjoyment)
& Jawnee Conroy (who is in an ad with "Soprano's" Paulie Walnuts)

PLUS my collection of photos of myself around the city with LITTLE BIT OF LUCK! Here's a sample!

Brett Favre Cries, Jackie Gets Turned On

2008-03-06T19:02:00.004-08:00

Green Bay Packer QB, Brett Favre retired from football after 17 years in the NFL, 16 of them with the Packers. Favre held a press conference (see below) and displayed one of my favorite emotions: tough-guy trying not to cry.

Sure Favre is a great player and a pretty likable guy. He was great in "There's Something About Mary." I'm a Pats girl, not a Packer fan, I don't care so much about his retirement. When Tom Brady retires I will certainly shed some tears. I started watching the press conference just to have something on as white-noise. Then I became transfixed.

Here are some highlights:

0:15: We are a scant 15 seconds into the press conference and Favre shows his first sign of emotion. He does the ole "shake it off" trick. When that doesn't work he scratches his nose a bunch. You're not fooling us, Brett! You don't have a booger. You're gonna weep. When the scratching doesn't work he makes a "zurrrbrpt" sounds with his lips. Yup, a "zurrrbrpt" sound. If you don't believe me, watch.

Then he says, "I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional." I feel for him here. I make promises with myself I never keep: I promised myself I wouldn't have that second bottle of wine, I promised myself to sleep only 10 hours tonight, I promised myself not to place Ebay bids on clothes I already own...I feel your pain, Brett!

0:29: Ok, this is probably my favorite part in the whole thing and the reason why I wanted to write this post in the first place. Favre is trying to say "I hope that every penny that they [Packers] spent on me, they know was money well spent." It takes him 37 seconds to say this sentence. 37 seconds! I clocked myself saying this a few times and every time I said it, I came in under 10 seconds. He took nearly four times the average time to say it! (I am deeming my test the "average" for this post.) Brett actually takes a 20 second pause to try to collect himself. And he fails beautifully.

What does he do in his 20 second pause?
- He snorts. I mean a serious snotty snort. He breathes in and out a few times then sucks in a mad snort. And guess what? It is not disgusting. It is one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. (Why is repressed emotion so hot? I don't think I want to know the answer I am sure it is some sort of Elecktra/Daddy thing hardwired in my brain. I've got to remind myself to NOT bring this to therapy.)
- He covers his mouth
- He presses his eyes...He is physically trying to keep his sadness/tears in. That's an athlete for you, trying to control the body.
- Back to the mouth
- Big exhale
- Time to fix my collar!
- Sniffles
- Breathing
- Look to the heavens

4:11: More sniffing and snorting.

I guess one of things that is so interesting about a man crying is we glimpse into how he would act during sex. Crying, like sex, is intimate and vulnerable. So when Brett Favre gets all emotional one can imagine him in a delicate moment with the same intensity and passion. And, of course, it is now easy to imagine him crying after sex.

Happy Oscars! Me Making Fun of Juno

2008-02-24T10:42:00.003-08:00

The lovely gentlemen over at Olde English asked me to play stripper turned Oscar nominated screenwriter, Diablo Cody. Now I have nothing against Diablo Cody. I have read her blog and seen her on Letterman and she seems like a bright quirky woman. And she seems to realize that her sudden fame and success is a little random and nuts.

I haven't seen "Juno." I probably should but I've seen "Knocked Up" and all of Wes Anderson's movies so I figure I've seen it. I'm having a backlash against this current trend in movies that fetishize unplanned pregnancy as this thing that happens to women as a hilarious plot device. This theme reminds me of the fantasy world Kevin Smith created in "Chasing Amy," a movie I liked. But it was hard to ignore the insane chubby male fantasy that Smith created: only Ben Affleck can cure lesbianism.

So instead of Juno I saw "4 Months, 3 Weeks, 3 Days." (Here's a link to a great J Hoberman review of the film.) A movie I refer to as "the Romanian abortion movie." Now this was a pregnancy movie I could get behind. It was dark, disturbing and truly haunting. I give it two thumbs up!

But I am getting away from the point. Juno. Diablo Cody. Video.

Part of me feels bad about the Diablo Cody backlash. I do think misogyny plays a part of it. It is also hard to feel bad for a woman who has used stripping so masterfully as a way to further her writing career. She strikes me as bright and thick-skinned and appears to be taking this all in stride. I mean she would have to, you don't work as a stripper in Minnesota of all places, and not realize the world is an unjust place.

So here is the OE video about Diablo Cody. It features me, my boobs, my crazy eyes and a horrifying wig.

Thanks to the good people over at Jezebel for posting a link. Definitely look at the Jezebel post, the comments are insightful and funny.

TAI Podcast Episode 13: Shaq Vows To Bring Super Bowl Back To New England

2008-02-19T12:59:00.000-08:00

Download it here.

The Talk About it Idiots have a belated Valentines Day gift for you...another podcast! Whoa! Let's have a parade. Jackie and Tim start off episode "unlucky 13" with the Hitlist: is Brian McNamee a "psycho," do all Mets pitchers like cock...fighting, and hockey gets interesting with a near decapitation. Tim gets his NBA loving panties in a bundle with the Gasol/Shaq trades. Jackie wants to remind people that Shaq is still an old fat man. And the Idiots end with the Superbowl. Jackie is in a state of horrified shock over the Pats loss and still contends that if David Tyree were in jail he wouldn't have caught that insane pass, Tim is just happy that he got to talk about the NBA a segment earlier.

Never miss a podcast. Subscribe to th RSS feed here.

Dicks. Always Funny.

2008-02-15T15:04:00.003-08:00

I've never met a dirty joke I don't like. I will never NOT think that farting, crapping, poop, boners, boobies and taints are not funny. When I was signing a Valentines Day card for my nephew I changed the message from "To the most fantastic kid I know" to "To the most fartastic kid I know." I don't care if I'm ninety with grandkids all around me. If one of them says, "Nana, you farted." I'm gonna die laughing. (Probably for real if I'm ninety.)

My friend Ari (Go Pats, Go Sox, Go Celtics) sent me some sweet MTA graffiti that goes perfectly with my predilection for the humor de bleu.

"This could be the last ride of his life. 'Cause his dick's stuck in the doors!"

I like that our graffiti artist has pointed to the man's buttock/groin area. As if the reader wouldn't be sure where this mysterious "dick" he wrote of was located.

David Lee Roth On The Brain

2008-02-13T15:04:00.007-08:00

My friend, Colleen recently blogged about seeing a DLR fronted Van Halen concert in Baton Rouge. Reading her accounts of his line-flubbing, his glittery red brocade jacket and his kick-ass David Lee Rothness got me to thinking about the man that is DLR.

You see, DLR and I were colleagues at the now defunct 92.3 Free FM in New York City. The wise men who run CBS radio thought the best way to face a Howard Sternless morning slot was to plug in a radio neophyte: an aging former rocker and current EMS technician. That EMS technician was David Lee Roth. I was co-host of the 11pm - 3 am shift and he was at the helm from 6 am - 9 am. We were a mere hours apart every day.

A few weeks into my tenure at Free FM my headphones went missing. I didn't want to use the CBS cans (radio slang for headphones...I love saying cans) because God knows I didn't want revolting DJ herpes. I started a running on-air bit where I accused DLR of stealing my headphones. The audience got into it, calling in to plead with DLR to give them back. But DLR never bit. He, like most of the New York metropolitan area, wasn't listening to my show.

DLR only lasted a few months at Free FM. The few times I had to get up super early my alarm would go off and DLR would be on. I had to change the station because any time I heard DLR I would have a panic attack. The feeling I had is how I imagine dogs feel when they hear fireworks.

Right before he was fired, DLR decided to fight back against the naysayers. CBS Management would constantly give him notes (here's an idea "make sense," no one is listening, stop scatting on air) and he was having none of it. One famous morning DLR protested by refusing to do his show and instead read from the funny pages. "Let's see what Marmaduke is doing...well he's sitting in a chair and he's eating his owners dinner." I mean we are talking about a full-blown meltdown.

I was recounting "tales of DLR" to my friend, Ravi and he sent me the best email present in the world. A link to an MP3 of "Running with the Devil" with all tracks muted except the DLR vocal.

Play it below.

To quote the "Showgirls" DVD commentary, "It's time to revisit your bong."

Don't Leave Cake At My House After the Pats Lose the Superbowl

2008-02-06T17:06:00.000-08:00

It is Wednesday. It has been three days since the Patriots stunned me by losing the Superbowl. I am starting to feel better but every so often it just hits me like a gut-punch: they lost. At the risk of appearing one-thousand-percent insane, the only other times I have had that feeling - that sitting on the subway reading a book and the overwhelming sense of reality descends - are during deaths and unusually bad break-ups.

I even dreamed of the Superbowl. Sunday I dreamed that a friend of mine emailed me a bunch of gibberish which contained the secret to why the Pats lost. I have been informed that is the dream of a crazy person.

Monday, in a fit of Boston pride, I decided to wear my Patriots cap as a form of moral support. For whom, I have no idea. I expected to get into a bunch of fights with NYC Giants fans. The only response I got was a homeless man who yelled out "I feel your pain." Most people just looked at me with pity.

My friend Matt over at the Big Eaters Club saw my "fan-gear display in the face of a humiliating loss as some sort of sublimated mate-seeking behavior." I think he's wrong. He also told me "it's just a fucking sports team. You need a baby." Keep in mind, this is the same friend who brought a giant cake to my house on Sunday with a "4" candle on it. (Four Superbowl wins in this century for my gay blog readers.)

That same cake has been my constant companion during these trying times. If Monday (my birthday incidentally) had a theme it would have been "cake and crying." In the last four days I have eaten enough of this cake to send me into a diabetic coma. Which would be fine. Wake me for pitchers and catchers.

This whole debacle reminds me of the 1985 Superbowl. I was just a kid that year. The Pats were wild underdogs all season. When they made the Superbowl, New England went crazy with Pats pride. Me included.

It became pretty clear early on in that game that the Pats were over matched. Even a girl child like me could tell that they weren't losing, they were being murdered on TV. It was one of my first feelings of clear shame.

I had no grasp on the idea that the Pats could lose. I was a kid. I just thought your team won. And now, 23 years later and I still can't grasp the concept of losing. Which is borderline insane as I am a New England sports fan. As my friend Chris* (who’s a Mets fan so he’s been laid out by a devastating loss or two) put it: “you're a Red Sox fan, so you are familiar with heartbreaking losses, but I don't think you ever get used to it.”

No, you don't. But you keep coming back.

The difference between 1985 and 2008 is that I can handle the loss this time. In 1985 I was devastated more than I had any right to be. I wasn't much of a football fan, I was just a child. But the elation immediately followed by disappointment was too much for my tiny soul to handle.

Now I see that only in loss can one find those moments of humanity that are heartbreaking. (Keep in mind I prefer winning to life lessons. I like winning. But since my team lost, on to the moments.) Like my nephew, Troy dolling out hugs at the Superbowl party to the devastated masses, a text from a gay friend saying "I don't know much about football but I know about feelings...hope you are OK," a late night email from a Bears fan living in LA that said, "I feel your pain." It's how people should act when someone dies except people don't know how to act when someone dies. I guess that's what sports gives us, a safe haven to be human.

My nephew stayed with my on Sunday night and the next day I wanted to explain to him why people got so upset about the game. He seemed to get it and as we were walking towards the subway I said to him, "The thing about losing is..." Troy finished my sentence, "there's always next year." He's a true New England fan.

* Chris has a great blog that I was going to link to but I can't right now. He's a Giants fan and has, as is his right, a column about the big upset. Yes, that makes me a nelly and a weenie-genie, but it is my blog. Lay off!

Thanks, Sam

2008-02-04T15:15:00.000-08:00

The Pats lost. I am sad. It is my birthday. I've spent the better part of the day courting diabetes by crying and eating cake.

Consider this an interim post as I work on my, sure to be maudlin Pats Superbowl post.

I got this Birthday Message from a Sam Via MySpace. Something for the "kick a gal while she's down" file:

"I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS TIME TO WISH YOU A HAPPY,HAPPY BIRTHDAY. YOU ALSO ARE A VERY PRETTY WOMAN ESPECIALLY FOR YOUR AGE."

The caps were all Sam's.

Now I appreciate the message, the compliment and the enthusiasm in which Sam delivered it (the ALL CAPS, the not one but two happys.) But what the hell is with the "especially for your age" bullshit? I have never tried crystal meth! I am not Helen Mirren. I am a young woman! Why should one be surprised I look semi-decent.

Me thinks I wouldn't have cared as much if the Pats had won.
Wah.
Time for more cake.

Put on Your Track Shoes!

2008-01-29T13:14:00.000-08:00

Saw this amazing homemade sign in Brooklyn as I was walking home. It was taped to a phone booth.

"Women...if you see him coming (run) put on track shoes. [Arrow to picture] Liar!"

I really like the "it takes a village" approach this lady has to dating. She was scrubbed by this one guy and she isn't about to let it happen to another gal. What a classy, selfless act.

And props for the old school Luddite Lady smackdown.

Eli Manning's Dad Thinks He Stinks!

2008-01-21T12:45:00.001-08:00

I am very excited that the New England Patriots are going to the Superbowl (a day before my birthday)!

And I'm surprised that the NY Giants upset Green Bay to take the NFC title. I dread living in NYC as a Patriots fan is going to be torture for the next two weeks. Already I'm getting stupid IMs and texts from my Giants loving friends who are convinced that the Giants will take away the Patriots (so far) perfect season.

Like this gem from my dope of a friend, Ivan (who lives in Boston now, incidentally): ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE WAS ONE TEAM LEFT BETWEEN A PERFECT SEASON AND THIS TIME WE WON'T LOSE. The caps are all his. Giants fans like to scream. Even over Instant Message.

The Pats faced the Giants in their last game of the regular season. Conventional wisdom said that the Giants, a wild-card team, would rest their starters and this would be an easy win for the Pats. Nope. They played everyone and played well. The Pats won but they won ugly. Most sports talkers credit that game for giving the Giants their mojo. So the Superbowl should be a good game.

Today I'm reading the post-mortem on all of the games and most of the NYC papers are anointing Eli Manning the Second Coming of Sliced Bread when I happened upon this article in the NY Times with this quote from Eli Manning's father:

“We’re not saying he’s Phil Simms or anything,” Archie Manning said after his son had gone to the interview room. “I just never thought he was as bad as some people thought he was.”

I almost feel bad for the droop-faced schlub. I am sure Christmas at the Manning household went something like this:

Petyon: Yay! A bike! And a telescope! And a box filled with my parents love and approval!
Eli: Yay! Underwear!

Eli Manning's Daddy thinks he stinks. And he said so in the NY Times, the paper of record. Giants have no chance.

GO PATS!

Late Night 2-train Adventure!

2008-01-18T09:36:00.001-08:00

So.

I am riding home on the train last night after my show and I hear a crazy guy begin a rant. I love crazy people. Any time I have the choice between listening to a crazy person or my Ipod, the crazy people always win. I put my music away and I listen to his rambling 2-train poetry. Since I have my Blackberry Pearl (like a regular Blackberry but cuter and less handy) with me I decide to transcribe some of his rant:

"Rikers Island. They put me in Rikers and I still got nothing to lose. Chumps. Food is nasty. 'Cept fried chicken and Hot Pockets. Know what's better? Peanut butter and jelly. Know what's tragic? I could be on Rikers right now eating real food. At least in jail I'm not getting into trouble. In a way I miss it."

Overall a pretty good crazy person rant because it made no sense but at the same time made a lot of sense.

As this crazy man exits the car he stares right at me through the subway window. I am looking straight ahead daydreaming. He looks at me dead on through and begins banging on the glass like a psycho animal. He yells, "FUCK YOU" over and over. Then he flips me off and spits on the subway as it pulls away from the station. It was pretty creepy. But no one in the car seems too alarmed so I returned to my Ipod thinking that was the last chapter on crazy.

I was wrong.

Because it is late and there is always construction on the NYC subways I need to transfer to another train a few stops later. And who should appear as I am waiting for the train to take off? My crazy friend who is quickly becoming my crazy enemy. And he makes a bee line for me. He walks right up to me and screams at me. He calls me a bitch and a cunt (at some point I feel like guys need to choose. I'm a bitch or a cunt but not both. It just seems like lazy name calling). He tells me he's gonna kill me. Fabulous. I extend my peripheral vision to see how the other people on the train, all men, react. No one does a thing. I am mortified.

It is all men on the car and I, the lone female, is being tortured by some crazy turd and these shit-heels don't move a damn muscle. The jackass to my right is reading the "New Yorker." And I'm thinking, Calvin Trillin wouldn't allow this to happen! (Malcolm Gladwell probably would which really gets to the heart of the problem. I am a Calvin Trillin girl living in a Malcolm Gladwell world). I realize if I'm going to remain "unmurddered" I need to handle this myself. So I rip out my headphones and tell this parka full of crazy to leave me alone and to get the fuck off of this train. I eye where the MTA people are, I wonder if I swing my laptop at his head. And after a few miutes he does leave me alone. And I try to breathe normally.

But I am so fucking angry at the ball-less wonders on my train. I can't believe no one even told this guy to "shut the hell up" or made eye contact with me afterwards as if to say "if you need it I have your back." Literally nothing, I have this fantasy of rising to my feet and saying, "Hey guys thanks for the help while I was almost getting killed by some shit-tard who thinks Rikers Island has good food." I would motion towards the little person in a leather coat and Elvis Costello glasses and tell him. "I don't blame you as much as the others. You're tiny. But the rest of you: shame, shame, shame."

I don't say anything. I'm still shaking and my main goal is to stay intact long enough to watch that episode of "Project Runway" waiting for me on my Tivo. (Someone please explain to me how Rickie has not been aufed!?!)

The shithead fuckwad returns and taunts me some more. I decide to ignore him and in the process learn a valuable lesson: crazy people, much like children and ex boyfriends, will go away if you ignore them for long enough.

OBSESSED: This Thursday!

2008-01-14T20:03:00.001-08:00

MIke Huckabee and Chuck Norris proudly present

OBSESSED with Julie & Jackie: The Politics Edition!

This Thursday January 17
9:30 PM

UCB Theater NYC
307 West 26th Street
212.366.0176 or ucbtheater.com for rezzies
$5 bucks

our special guests this month!

Andrea Rosen (Variety Shac)
Olde English (Superdeluxe
Anthony Atamanuik (Huffington Post)

***
And as always EVERY FRIDAY Improv comedy with the scumbags from Death By Roo Roo!

Every Friday at 11 pm
Tickets $8
ucbtheater.com for reservations

UCB Theater NYC
307 West 26th Street
212.366.0176

Typical Huckabee Supporter

2008-01-08T21:09:00.001-08:00

From Reuters:

Supporters of former Arkansas governor and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee attend their candidate's New Hampshire primary night rally in Manchester January 8, 2008. REUTERS/Carlos Barria (UNITED STATES)

Now I know why Huckabee doesn't believe in evolution.

Once again thanks to the Big Eaters Club.

Luscious Cocaine

2008-01-08T15:46:00.001-08:00

When my brother and I visit my sister's house in Massachusetts we always play hours of board games. A game that recently joined our rotation is "Apples to Apples." A crazy fun game that is buoyed the the fact that my nephew can play.

Whomever's turn it is flips over a green card. In the example below it was my turn and I flipped over the word "LUSCIOUS." My family's job is to take a red card from their hand and best match it to my idea of what LUSCIOUS is.

Let's see what my sister, brother and nephew chose for me.

COCAINE
BEER
RICHARD NIXON

I don't think my family has a very flattering image of me. Sure cocaine is fun but I don't think it is particularly luscious. And yes Richard Nixon did sport an early pair of Angelina Jolie lips. But he is dead. I don't find dead people luscious. So by default "BEER" won out.

I was so mortified by the choices presented me that I took a picture (above). My nephew, Troy's turn was next. He flipped over "SHY" and had the choices "BILL CLINTON," "A SUNSET" and "STAR FRUIT." Not quite the scandalous answers in "LUSCIOUS" but he wanted to take a picture anyway. I let him.

I was too hopped up on cocaine, beer and Tricky Dick to care.

Reporters Wedding Cake - FULL SIZE Likeness of Herself

2008-01-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine over at the Big Eaters Club sent me a link he found on CNN with the message "what the fuck." Apparently a reporter in Texas (of course) had a wedding cake made in her likeness. See the creepiness below.

I passed on the link to my brother who wisely commented, "I would never be the groom in that situation, but how could you not go for the head when you're cutting? Good point, dear brother. (I also must add my brother would never be the bride in that situation either, not that he would be a bride...I am saying he wouldn't have a cake made in his likeness.) Wouldn't the cake start to look like a homicide after a few servings?

I once got my friend a "Tits Your Birthday" cake that looked like an Episode of "Law and Order: SVU" once we were done with it. I decided to get fruit filling which was beyond delicious but super creepy to see strawberries oozing out of some boobies. I felt like the entire party should have registered as a collective sex offender.

When I see pictures of women as cakes I realize I am single because of divine intervention. It would never occur to me to make a cake in my likeness. But to be fair it would never occur to a lot of people to pose as a smiley homeless person as I did here.

Crazy Apples. Loony Oranges.

Best Thing About Decision 2008?

2008-01-06T13:39:00.001-08:00

I get to hate Guiliani again. He's a cock with capped teeth.
Ugh.

He was intolerable when he was Mayor of NYC. Guiliani 2008 is the same shit-head he used to be except now he's anti-choice and hates immigrants. That's like an ex-boyfriend asking you to have coffee only to punch you in the vagina.

I hate him.

Thanks to the Big Eaters Club for the link to the photo.

I am Legend! Spoiler Alert!

2008-01-04T12:21:00.000-08:00

I recently saw "I am Legend" at the prompting of my good friend, Bibi. And let me tell you, this is one bummer of a movie. Spoiler alert! Will Smith strangles a dog to death. Good times! Bibi is about the biggest animal lover on the planet so she sobbed throughout the whole puppy execution.

End Spoiler

I came across this sweet piece of graffiti in Astoria visiting my friends John and Jeff. I'm glad I snagged some graffiti since I was faced with a 2 hour commute from Queens to Brooklyn. Guess how long it would have taken in a car? Four seconds. Drat.

This really cracked me up. It reminds me of something my nephew would blithely say. "The last man on earth is not alone." Who is with him? Zombies? Murderers? His ex-wife? Nope, silly it is his pooch! Standing right next to him.

Spoiler Alert! Until Will Smith murders him. End Spoiler Alert!

Elaine Stritch and Lemisol?

2007-12-31T10:12:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the pleasure of seeing Elaine Stritch "At Liberty At the Carlyle." My friend Nicol got free tickets as she plays Elaine on Logo's "Big Gay Sketch Show." The show was amazing. It is the same show as the Broadway "At Liberty" but in such an intimate setting it has a lot more emotional resonance.

Elaine did an informal Q&A after the show to see if people had notes. The opera star Renee Fleming was there (in a bizarre Texas Mom hair-do) and she suggested Elaine post a sign outside the venue warning "the material in this show may cause you to cry." I appreciated the comment and at the same time couldn't help laughing. Are there really people out there who say things like that without dripping sarcasm? I guess an opera singer is a little more in touch with her emotions that the rest of us.

I practically got into a fight with a group of horrible old people sitting near me. One fellow was bald and in a velvet Neru jacket. The whore of the bunch was wearing a velour peasant dress! I guess Ren fairs happen in the winter as well as the warmer months. When Elaine was explaining her drinking and how it is scary to be onstage alone this blond nutjob exclaims "it is." I told her she needed to stop talking and she mumbled something to me in elvish. But her friends tried to keep her quiet the rest of the show.

But Elaine isn't even the most interesting part of my evening. I made a late-night stop at Duane Reade in Brooklyn to buy shampoo and I encountered the most bizarre product I have ever seen in my goddamned life! LEMISOL!

Eeeek!

Lemisol is an ambiguous "personal feminine hygiene" product. The picture I took of the back of the box didn't come out but it says "Lemisol is a refreshing cleansing solution for a woman's intimate hygiene...as well as the rest of the family."

Translation: "HEY! You, Lady, Yes, you. Was your dirty parts REAL GOOD. REAL GOOD. Now wash them again. And the family can use it too. If they want to smell like a vagina."

I imagine Lemisol is like Lysol for your pussy.

I can't wait to use it!!!!!

Podcast Episode 11! The Mitchell That Stole Christmas

2007-12-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

My funny/sports podcast has a new episode! Listen!

Episode 11: The Mitchell That Stole Christmas

Ho ho ho...hey who are you calling a ho? The Idiots are back with their final podcast of 2007!

We start things off with the greatest gift of all: the Mitchell report. Who would have predicted that Roger Clemens would be named and named and named. I guess anyone who's seen his neck widen like a giant. Some other douches are named and Jackie and Tim give them the business.

Then comes football! Tim interrupts Jackie's meditation on the undefeated Pats to gloat about the 1 and 99 Dolphins. Then Tim foolishly puts his money where his mouth is betting $100 on Pats/Dolphins. Like stealing candy from a baby. A hairy baby.

Finally the Idiots talk NBA and the current state of the Knicks (beyond terrible). A caller is revealed to be Jackie's former podcast partner, Roger Doyle. Turns out he DID NOT make assistant manager at Jamba Juice.

See you next year Sports Fans!

Download Episode 11 HERE!

Subscribe to the Podcast RSS Feed Here!

Merry Lame Christmas!

2007-12-21T08:54:00.000-08:00

The 1986 Dallas Cowboys recorded an ill advised Christmas song. Me thinks Jessica Simpson should cover it and finally bury this season!

Enjoy!

Rape Spam? Eeek!

2007-12-03T12:29:00.001-08:00

I use a gmail account so the amount of Spam I get is pretty minimal. But today I got this doozy:

Hello jackie
wiagra our new word for women Viagra. youll be raped

- Frederik landrie

It's the worst haiku in the world! That Frederik Landrie sounds like a real cock.

Wow. What a Commercial!

2007-11-28T12:12:00.000-08:00

I do a bunch of voice-overs. Well I don't book a lot, but I sure audition for a lot of them!

I recently auditioned for a radio voice-over demo for Stayfree Maxi Pads. I pray to God that this never gets made. I was so disturbed when I read the copy. Which I will now share with you.

Keep in mind that whomever wrote this used ALL CAPS which makes reading it all the more disturbing.

STAYFREE MAXI PADS VOICE-OVER "MOM"

Having kids is the greatest. And filled with changes. Like now I have hemorrhoids and stretch marks instead of candlelight and dinner.

And you know the old line "I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself." Well, after you have kids, you can forget the "nearly."

That's why along with the phrase "Kids, stop that right now." Stayfree's new advanced protection has become a staple in my house.

Hmmm, maybe I should keep a box in the fridge.

Stayfree. What a real woman uses.

Boing!

I nearly fell over when I read this the first time. It is one of the most horrible and depressing views on motherhood and womanhood I have ever read. Before I had kids my life was great and now I pretty much piss and shit myself. I wish I could say I think a man wrote it but I would bet the farm that a woman wrote it. A hemorrhoided up no sleep pee-leaking female. Poor gal.

This ad doesn't make me want to buy Stayfree as much as rip out my uterus.

Boing!

Project Runway is back!

2007-11-19T06:53:00.000-08:00

My favorite TV show ever, "Project Runway," is back on the air! Thank goodness. I love Tim Gunn but "Tim Gunn's Guide to Style" isn't gonna cut it. I need an evening gown made out of orange juice containers!

Which brings us to our PR graffiti.

I wonder what's on Heidi Klum's mind.

Aaah. She needs some big black cock. Well I don't blame her. We all need some BBC at times. That's why God invented Craigslist. I can actually picture Heidi saying this to Seal after putting the kids to bed and having a Heifeweissen or two. She seems like she has a sense of humor and a healthy sex drive.

44 Southside Strikes Again!

2007-11-14T08:41:00.001-08:00

So these lovely teenage girls strike again with "Welcome to Our House: Exuhcise, Welcome."

To jog your memory, here is the original video:

And here is the new improved version created by younger better women.

I love how "mine" (the brunette) is getting wackier in her performance. She's looking like she takes a shot of ether before each shot. I am going to start cribbing her. There is so much here that I love but I think I dig the steroids beat the mostest.

Podcast! Talk About it Idiots!

2007-11-13T15:32:00.000-08:00

A new episode of the Podcast I do with my friend, Tim Curcio is up!

Check it out!
EPISODE 10: Kiss My Asterisks (Listen Here)

The Idiots are hopped up on Halloween candy so get ready for a show! (Tim dressed up as a sexy cat, Jackie was Manny Ramirez, Producer Mark dressed up as our long-lost Episode 4.5 MP3 file.)

We begin with the Hitlist: Giving birth then running a marathon, the unholy union of Michelle Tanner and Livestrong Douchie, the good times in Boston, and Jackie tries a new candy, the Hershey Dark with Almonds, Cranberries and Blueberries LIVE on air! (It sucks worse than ARod's post-season record.)

Jackie is happy because there is so much to talk about with Boston sports. Even though Don Shula is getting his Viagra boner all bent out of shape about the Pats. Who cares about 1972? And Tim doesn't need Viagra to get a boner 'cause it's NBA time! He offers some predicitions and sheds a tear because Jackie watched an entired Celtics game. And Mazel Tov to Tim and his fiancee. I hope she likes basketball!

Never miss a show!
Subscribe to the TAI RSS Feed!

On my Christmas List

2007-11-13T11:15:00.000-08:00

My family and I like the "no-guess" Christmas. We post our wish-list on Amazon and call it a day. After years and years of ill-fitting Care Bear underwear from our parents, we decided choosing our own presents is the wise route. And we have not been disappointed. When in doubt a gift-card, is our motto.

Too bad Amazon doesn't have a Wish-List for this beaut.

A Red Sox t-shirt for my fave relief pitcher, Jonathan "Papelboner" Papelbon. Now that celebrates Christ's birth!

Flatter Videos

2007-11-12T10:48:00.000-08:00

My life partner, Julie Klausner, and I have been making a series of videos called "Welcome to Our House." And we have recently discovered that a couple of teenage girls have paid homage to our videos by creating their version of "Welcome to Our House" called "Welcome to Our House, Welcome." Genius.

Keep in mind that "Welcome to Our House" is an homage to Brenda Dickson's "Welcome to My Home." Now we have an homage to an homage in "Welcome to Our House, Welcome."

Here is the original WTOH.

Now make yourself a dirty Martini and remember that this video was made by 11 year-old girls.

"This outfit makes me feel safe but sexual."
Yes. They are 11. And that was Peaches. They are pretty cool, no?

Welcome to Our House: Make-up!

2007-11-10T12:48:00.001-08:00

The new video! Enjoy

I'm back...

2007-11-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

I am officially done my writing gig at Logo's "Big Gay Sketch Show." Which was a complete blast and super fun. The staff was amazing and the cast was really talented. The only bad part were the hours. There were times it felt like we were at a gay Nike factory. Gayer. Funnier. Gayer. Funnier. But all in all it was a great experience and I am proud of the work we did.

But now that I have some free time I promise to post to my blog more often. Whoa! How exciting. I am sure my sister is happy :)

Yesterday was Halloween. My costume was "Hungover Staff Writer" as we had the BGSS wrap party on Tuesday night. So needless to say, I had slept a loooooong time last night. And I once again had Red Sox dreams. This was probably buoyed by a recent World Series win and Jonathan Papelbon's appearance on Letterman.

I came up with a great new show idea in my sleep. Too bad there will be a WGA strike and no work or new shows for about six months. But here it is...GUT PUNCH with JOSH BECKETT. The details didn't emerge in my dreams. But I am thinking it works like this. When Red Sox ace, Josh Beckett strikes someone out he can punch him square in the gut. Collect all of those clips and get host and BAM instant genius. ESPN, come on...maybe run SportsCenter one less hour of the day.

Red Sox Craigslist

2007-10-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

My sister recently emailed me this "you are slacking on your blog." Which is 100% accurate. I was hired as a writer on a gay sketch comedy show and my life has been a little hectic with work. But things are calming down and I thought I would share a couple of hilarious CRAIGSLIST posts some of the boys at work shared with me. Now Craigslist is a place where you can sell a futon or get a stranger to pee on you.

Well after the Sox won the ALCS there seems to be an odd fetish going on in NYC: Red Sox sex. (Note: spelling errors are all Craigslist.) Like this posting in

MEN SEEKING WOMEN CASUAL ENCOUNTERS
Chubby girl or BBW who likes the Red soxs? (your place) - m4w - 29 (Midtown)

looking for chubby girl or a bbw to invite me over to watch the rest of the redsox/indians game.

will bring food or drinks whatever you want, just looking to hang out.

That seems sort of sweet and sad. Or as my friend Craig said, sad and sad.

How about a post I'm calling "Self-loathing Yankee fan" in

MEN SEEKING MEN CASUAL ENCOUNTERS

Yankee Fan to suck Red Sox Cock - 31

I thought that by this time, we would have beaten you guys, but I guess not. You are going to the series, so I want to get on my knees and take your load. I wear my yankees cap, you wear your Red sox cap. Whip it out and I take your juice.

Pretty adorable, right? My guess is that A-Rod posted it.

New Video: Welcome to Our House-Exuhcise!

2007-09-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

Go Sox!

Another Video from our fave Red Sox kid

2007-08-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

My favorite Red Sox fan (and cancer survivor), Lexi Alden is back on TV and she does not disappoint. This girl is a national treasure.

My favorite part is around 1:14. She is kissing all the players and she tries to get away with merely blowing the unbelievable ugly Julian Tavarez a kiss. But then Lexi realizes she's faced cancer, she might as well give a pock-marked pitcher a peck on the check.

Thanks to Jess Allen for alerting me to the new video!

Pee Pee ala Japanese!

2007-08-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

Enjoy!

Best Red Sox Kid Ever

2007-08-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

A Red Sox blog I like called Red Sox Monster turned me on to this clip. This is something for all. Non-sports fans included.

A young cancer survivor, Lexi Alden gets on the mic and completely steals the show. And NESN's Tina Ceraviso has sense enough to let her go pretty unfiltered. My favorite part is when pitcher Kyle Snyder lines up for the next kiss and Lexi disses him. (Appx. 1:04) Genius. This child is a star. This kid is channeling Elaine Stritch - I am obsessed with her.

Enjoy.

OBSESSED: This Thursday!

2007-08-08T09:32:00.001-07:00

Hi all!

OBSESSED with Julie and Jackie is back this THURSDAY, AUGUST 9 at 9:30 pm at UCB Theatre in NYC!

This month we take a look at DRUGS, we investigate the history of Julie and Jackie and we debut a brand spanking new WELCOME TO OUR HOUSE short film. In this episode we teach viewers how to exercise. Also with special guests LEO ALLEN and MANDY STADTMILLER!

THURSDAY, August 9th at 9:30 pm
OBSESSED with JULIE AND JACKIE
UCB Theatre | 307 West 26th St (just west of 8th Ave)
Tickets $5 | 212-366-9176 or online @ http://ucbtheater.com

"Life is nothing if you're not obsessed." -- John Waters

Best friends, comedy partners, and mother and daughter Julie Klausner
(VH1, Free To Be Friends) and Jackie Clarke (Hannity and Colmes, Radio
with a Twist, Showgirls: The Best Movie Ever Made. Ever!) host an
evening of comedy that will make Bob Fosse rise from his grave.

"It's too bad Jackie and Julie don't do a show every day, all day. I
would be there. I would sit right in the front and fall in love with
them over and over again."
- Fred Armisen, Saturday Night Live

"Jackie and Julie are witty, totally hot enchantresses who complete
each other's thoughts while also completing your own. Their take on
the world is so relentlessly sane it's a privilege to be able to dive
into their minds on a regular basis. I'm obsessed with them!"
– Michael Musto, Columnist for the Village Voice

Moose Problems

2007-08-07T12:30:00.001-07:00

Two angles of Coco Crisp getting RAMMED by the dumb Seattle Mariner Moose. On an ATV.

He May Be Gay...

2007-08-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

A favorite Sunday pastime is going through the wedding section of the local papers. The NY Times is usually boring - unless it is a gay couple then I like it. But for the most part it is a financial adviser marrying a kindergarten teacher. Snooze.

The NY Post used to be the place to go for a nice trashy City Hall marriage in a "gown" from Forever 21. Lately, the Post has been classing up their pages. But today the Post had a subtle winner in the trash wars.

Meet Nalom Gultom and Evelyn Silitonga.

Their wedding announcement is as follows:

For Nalom Gultom and Evelyn Silitonga, an unexpected surprise turned their wedding celebration into something out of the ordinary. “At the reception, our dearest friends surprised us with a drag queen performance and lip-synch to Rihanna’s ‘Umbrella,’ which is my husband’s favorite song these days,” says Silitonga, who, like her husband, is a hospitality worker in Manhattan. “He almost sat on my husband’s lap - senior guests were horrified,” she adds, laughing. Earlier, the Queens duo, who met in church in 2004, exchanged vows in a more traditional fashion at HKBPNY Church in their home borough. Following the ceremony, 120 family members and friends dined on authentic Indonesian cuisine at Social Hall, where DJ Tuluz spun ’80s and modern hits.
ESSENTIALS
Favors: handcrafted silk fans in pastel colors from Jakarta
Dress: The bride wore a traditional Indonesian kebaya top in broken white lace, and a red, green and gold songket bottom by Zainal Songket.
Honeymoon: two days in Manhattan’s Sheraton Tower Hotel, followed by five days in Las Vegas

Ok let's go through this!

“At the reception, our dearest friends surprised us with a drag queen performance and lip-synch to Rihanna’s ‘Umbrella,’ which is my husband’s favorite song these days,” says Silitonga - I believe your husband is a homosexual. What in the gay community is called "Gaysian."

...where DJ Tuluz spun ’80s and modern hits. - DJ Tuluz - was that the oldest daughter from FULL HOUSE?

Favors: handcrafted silk fans in pastel colors from Jakarta - Again, husband is gay.

Honeymoon: two days in Manhattan’s Sheraton Tower Hotel, followed by five days in Las Vegas - Honeymoons to the city you are in are my favorite! It is tres amazing!

Good luck you two crazy kids!

Welcome to my future ex-husband, Eric Gagne

2007-08-01T21:25:00.001-07:00

He is now a Red Sox.

Hardy Har Har-LEAD PAINT!

2007-07-19T09:54:00.001-07:00

Frequent contributor, Damian Chadwick, sends in this gem with the note: "turns out lead paint can be funny." No crap! Lead paint is hilarious. When Julie and I were in LA she had a run in with a soy paint acolyte. We both decided we preferred the NYC ethos: where our meat is rare and our paint is lead.

I am not sure what Dennis Rodman has to do with lead paint. But in the long run, who cares? Random accusations is the heart of subway graffiti!

God is Jaclyn Smith

2007-07-19T08:45:00.001-07:00

The ever delightful, Collen Kane, sent in this graf. (100% DEFINITELY check out her blog at http://cokanesbloggery.blogspot.com/)

Collen writes:

"I took this picture last night while drunk. I'm sure I saw better grafitti last night but that's the only one I ended up snapping. It's funny to me because "God is good" isn't the first thought that comes to my mind when considering this ad, or the second one, or third...etc."

I am pretty sure God wasn't watching "Shear Genius." I mean no one was.

Hairy Dinosaur Dick

2007-07-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

This graffiti entry comes from Lauren in NC. She has a polaroid blog over at http://poladroids.blogspot.com/.

Apparently someone has a "hairy pieradaciyl penis." First off, "pterodactyl" is spelled wrong. But it is an ambitious word for a spray-paint graffiti tag. I wonder why the person tagged that house, barn, shack...is it is own and he decided not to try Match.com and simply spray-paint his dating profile? Is it a more specific way to toilet paper someone's home? A modern day scarlet letter?

Or maybe a dinosaur lives there and he really has a hairy dick.

Save Abba!

2007-07-19T08:43:00.000-07:00

The immigration debate extends to the Swedish pop-band, Abba. Will we ever be free? I love th die-hard Republican who sees a poster for "Mama Mia" and thinks "immigration" and not "Broadway has forever been ruined."

Thanks to Jen for sending it in.

Sox Appeal, Don and Jerry!

2007-07-18T15:44:00.000-07:00

"Sox Appeal" is a dating show on NESN. Every episode a single Red Sox fan is sent on three blind dates over the course of one Fenway game.

The show hasn't aired yet, but the Red Sox NESN commentators, Don and Jerry, LOVE to comment on the dates during the game. Take a look here

Fast forward to about 1:40 to hear them POINT BLANK LAUGH AT THE MAN. It is pretty amazing. They are some of the best announcers in the biz. Their comments during the April "pizza throwing" incident was priceless. So priceless I am including it here

Also take a look at the ad for "Sox Appeal" featuring several Red Sox players talking about what not to do on a date. I think I am demoting Kevin Youkilis from "future ex-husband" status and I am promoting Dustin Pedroia. Pedroia's advice "don't go." It is like we are already divorced! He also advices the man to pay for the date and to not be a "tight ass." SWOON!

Originally posted on JackieClarke.net

Watch it now: HELL DATE

2007-07-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

BET's "Hell Date" is my new favorite show EVER.

First of all, hats off to BET for entertaining programming all around. Last year DMX's "Soul of a Man" was a top-pick and now "Hell Date." Even BET's commercials are entertaining, one program referred to Oprah as "the most powerful sister on the planet." I am sold.

The premise of the show is that people think they are going on a televised date but instead it is a date from "hell." The improv acting ranges from impressive to prostitution and the subjects are all pretty delightful and game until that final straw arrives and then the fingers start really wagging. But the best part of this show - and it hasn't made it to the clip below - is that they tell people they are on a "Hell Date" but having a LITTLE PERSON dressed as a DEVIL sneak up on the subject and say "this ain't a date...it's a HELL DATE." I mean, Mark Burnett should feel shame he did not think of this first. PLEASE WATCH "HELL DATE!!!!"

Damn you HDTV

2007-07-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

I'm dogsitting for friends this weekend and I am blessed to have HDTV to waste my days away with. HDTV is amazing...until a man like this comes on the screen.

Holy shit! I nearly wretched. I will keep you informed of other players that should wipe Vaseline on their faces before games so we have a bit of a filter on their ugly mugs...

Like the Red Sox own, Julian Tavarez

Listen, I love the guy, he is weird and total chums with Manny but you need to look at face. Damn he is ugly. I watched the Sox/Braves in regular TV and I could have crammed peanut butter in his acne scars. I am not saying I wouldn't blast him. But I would close my eyes.

Originally posted on http://talkaboutitidiots.blogspot.com/

OBSESSED: This Thursday!

2007-07-10T15:06:00.000-07:00

THURSDAY, JULY 12 at 9:30 pm
OBSESSED with JULIE AND JACKIE
with special guest RICK SHAPIRO
UCB Theatre | 307 West 26th St (just west of 8th Ave)
Tickets $5 | 212-366-9176 or online here

"Life is nothing if you're not obsessed." -- John Waters

Best friends, comedy partners, and mother and daughter - and upcoming co-hosts of the fabulous HX Awards - Julie Klausner (VH1, Free To Be Friends) and Jackie Clarke (Hannity and Colmes, Radio with a Twist, Showgirls: The Best Movie Ever Made. Ever!) put the "homo" back in "obsessed" with an evening of comedy, dance and short films that will certainly make Bob Fosse rise from his grave.

JULY'S OBSESSED features the differences between NYC and Los Angeles, our love/hate relationship with Las Vegas, a visit and performance from Liberace's ghost (we will settle the debate: gay or not-gay) and a performance from Lucky Louie's hilarious, RICK SHAPIRO!

"It's too bad Jackie and Julie don't do a show every day, all day. I would be there. I would sit right in the front and fall in love with them over and over again."
- Fred Armisen, Saturday Night Live

"Jackie and Julie are witty, totally hot enchantresses who complete each other's thoughts while also completing your own. Their take on the world is so relentlessly sane it's a privilege to be able to dive into their minds on a regular basis. I'm obsessed with them!"
– Michael Musto, Columnist for the Village Voice

Bext Text Ever

2007-07-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

This is from my sister, Ali, who is on vacation in Cape Cod.

"So I'm sitting in my beach chair drinking my beer and what happens? A seagull flys by and drops a shit on me. ha ha ha."

There is something about her phrasing that kills me. "drops a shit on me" is perfectly worded. Also, dedicated blog readers will notice, anytime my sister has a story it involves a beer.

LA! LA! Tommy Wiseau!

2007-06-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

I am very excited to let you know about a show I am doing in LA with cult-film HERO, TOMMY WISEAU!!!! Seriously, if you do not know this man go to http://www.theroommovie.com/ and watch the trailers. I consider this film to be SHOWGIRLS sans dancing. For reals.

All the details are below. I would love it if you could come or pass it on to others!

Thanks so much!

***
"OBSESSED" WITH JULIE AND JACKIE
with special guest, cult film hero, Tommy Wiseau ("The Room")
UCB Theatre | 5919 Franklin Ave
Thursday, June 28 8 pm | Tickets $5
Reservations 323-908-8702 or http://ucbtheater.com

Best friends, comedy partners, and mother and daughter Julie Klausner (VH1, "Starveillance," Hell House, "Free To Be Friends") and Jackie Clarke ("Hannity and Colmes" on Fox News, "Radio with a Twist," and "Showgirls: The Best Movie Ever Made. Ever!") present an evening of comedy that will make Jerry Orbach rise from his grave.

OBSESSED is a comedy variety show with short films, hilarious competitive dancing, dirty PowerPoint presentations and special guests. This show features Mr. Tracy Bogdanovich (who may or may not be Peter Bogdanovich's brother and cult-film hero, Tommy Wiseau, the enigmatic writer, director and star of the "black-comedy" "The Room." Tommy has had a billboard for "The Room" on Highland Avenue for the past few years. He is currently working on a sitcom called "The Neighbors." During a recent showing of "The Room," Wiseau said if he could be any animal in the world, he would be a tiger.

OBSESSED with Julie and Jackie
UCB Theatre | 5919 Franklin Ave
Thursday, June 28 8 pm | Tickets $5
Reservations 323-908-8702 or http://ucbtheater.com

Shows! Shows! Shows!

2007-06-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

Come see some FABULOUS shows this week! Starting TODAY!

- MONDAY, JUNE 11 at 8:30 PM
YOU TUBE SHOW AND TELL with special guest DAVID CROSS

Best friends, comedy partners and mother and daughter, JULIE KLAUSNER & JACKIE CLARKE host an evening of viral video, featuring their funny friends and their favorite YouTube clips. It's like surfing the internet with your favorite comedians!!

Special Guests Include:

Leo Allen
Jon Benjamin
David Cross
Amelie Gillette

CBS/NYC PRESENTS...
All shows @ 8:30 (doors @ 8:15)
@ MO PITKIN'S HOUSE OF SATISFACTION
34 Avenue A, Between 2nd and 3rd Streets
212-777-5660
Tickets only $6! Available at www.ticketweb.com or at the door

- THURSDAY, JUNE 14 at 9:30 pm
OBSESSED with JULIE AND JACKIE: GAY PRIDE EDITION!

Julie and Jackie put the "homo" back in "obsessed" with an evening of comedy, dance and short films that will certainly make Bob Fosse rise from his grave.

With special guests
Murray Hill
Becky Drysdale
Jeremy Laverdure

Thursday, June 14, 9:30 PM
UCB Theater | 3-7 West 26th St (just west of 8th Ave)
Tickets $5 | Call 212-366-9176 or online here

***

Finally, enjoy the new J&J short, Trivia Night, here.

And please SAVE THE DATE or pass on the info for our LA show!

Thursday June 28th
OBSESSED with Julie & Jackie
8 PM |$5
UCB Theater LA
5919 Franklin Street
Reserve Tickets Here

With special guest
Tommy Wiseau (The Room)

Kevin Youkilis Works for Scooter Libby!?!

2007-06-06T14:42:00.001-07:00

This picture was on the front page of the NY Times today.

Doesn't this look like RED SOX 1st baseman and future Jackie Clarke ex-husband, Kevin Youkilis, escorting convicted Bush felon, Scooter Libby?

Yooooooooouks!

London Olympics Logo, Swastika?

2007-06-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

You decide.

Or

I say Eeek!

(Also posted on http://talkaboutitidiots.blogspot.com/)

Roger Clemens Hurt His Penis

2007-06-05T13:27:00.000-07:00

"Waaaah! Waaah! Wah! Wah! I'm Roger Clemens. My pee pee hurts. I can't pitch a baseball even though I'm being paid 8 billion dollars to do so. Wah! My penis hurts. I can't play. It's my penis. My penis hurts. OW! Stop looking at my penis! It hurts. I'm 45. I haven't crapped in 12 days. It is hurting my penis. OW! My penis!"

- Roger Clemens

(Also posted on http://talkaboutitidiots.blogspot.com/)

Miss Universe Gets Booed; Falls on Her Ass

2007-05-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God.

It is sort of amazing that beauty pageants are still around what with it being 2007 and all. But I am never one to turn away from the magical formula that is dumb, beautiful women and extemporaneous questions answered in front of a live audience. The result is usually amusing and this year's Miss Universe pageant did not disappoint. The pageant took place in Mexico and the anti-American feelings were audible. Audible as in, Miss USA was booed during her speech. And she FELL ON HER ASS. This Miss Universe Pageant gets an A for failure! And that's the best grade!

I spent the weekend in Massachusetts so I caught the 11 pm Boston news last night. The local ABC affiliate has some of the worst reporting known to man. And they played this clip of the Miss Universe Pageant.

A pretty girl falling is always an amazing good time. A pretty girl falling on international TV and then vamping like a drag-queen is nirvana. Holy shit, is that fun to watch. Seriously pause the clip at 0:17 and give yourself a treat. That look is priceless. Girls who give that look often have anal sex without even knowing it.

The fall clip is amazing but nothing compared to this clip which did not make it to the Boston news.

MISS USA GETS VIOLENTLY BOOED BY THE MEXICAN CROWD!
Ok, there is a lot going on here so I need to slow down.

I'm not a journalist but one would think that the fact that Miss USA gets booed for simply being American should be a bigger news story than her falling on her ass. And there is very little coverage of it today. TONS of coverage of her fall. But the current political climate which has caused this young lady from Tennessee to be booed is getting very little attention. It is amazingly American to broadcast the fall - a simple human gaffe - and not the protest-based booing that is a result of xenophobic rhetoric and cowboy politics. Miss USA should send a nut-punch Lou Dobbs' way.

But enough soapboxing. This clip is funny.

First we have the Miss Universe hosts, Vanessa Minnillo and Mario Lopez. Beauty pageants always have B celebs as hosts and this year they have younger more ethnic B celeb hosts. They were both ok, but they were bland in the way people who are more attractive than talented often are. I don't mind Vanessa Minnillo, she has that 'girl next door who steals your liquor' quality about her that I find charming.

So Miss USA is called to answer her question and the booing starts IMMEDIATELY. And Miss USA and our hosts just ignore it. They just pretend it isn't there. I imagine it is like trying to read the paper while someone robs your house. How do you ignore that? It is amazing. Finally Vanessa Minnillo squeaks out "Uno momento, por favor," while Mario Lopez stares blankly into space I am sure wondering how he lost "Dancing with the Stars" last season.

But the best part is yet to come. Minnillo announces the judge who will be asking the question and it is TONY ROMO - the failure QB for the Dallas Cowboys. For those who need reminding here is a picture of him dropping the snap. Ah, that picture never gets old. No good international booing of the United States is complete without a good boo to the devil of all football teams, the Dallas Cowboys. If A-Rod and Jeter had been there for a special "Salute to Strange Heads" segment I could have died an early and complete death. Can you imagine the Cowboys and the Yankees being booed in one evening. I would have moved to Mexico.

But what is Romo doing judging a Miss Universe pageant? Shouldn't he be learning how to QB? Fine by me, Romo. Keep this tour of purse holding (Carrie Underwood) and pageant judging up. Maybe we will see you on Surreal Life next year.

And such is the amazement known as Miss Universe.

Trivia Night - New Comedy Short!

2007-05-25T14:54:00.001-07:00

ENJOY!

Watch me on a date with an 8 year-old! Hilarity ensues.

Have a Threesome with me...

2007-05-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

A comedy threesome that is!

Come out to my hilarious comedy show, A DOUBLE DATE WITH JULIE AND JACKIE, on THURSDAY, MAY 24 at 9:30 pm!

Start Memorial Day Early!

A DOUBLE DATE WITH JULIE AND JACKIE
Thurs, May 24 at 9:30 pm
Tickets - $5 | No Drink Minimum (cheap beers, $2 PBRs!)
Reservations 212-366-9176 or click here
UCB Theatre
307 W 26th St, Just west of 8th Ave

Best friends, comedy partners, and mother and daughter Julie Klausner (VH1, Free To Be Friends) and Jackie Clarke (92.3 WFNY FREE FM, Showgirls: The Best Movie Ever Made. Ever!, Hannity and Colmes) present an evening of comedy that will make Jerry Orbach rise from his grave.

Join the gals as they explore some of their favorite obsessions: Billy Joel drunk driving jokes, the Screech sex tape and Andrea Dworkin's definition of rape.

We will be screening our short films (2 brand new ones!), having fun with PowerPoint and even dancing until the death.

Julie and Jackie will be there...and hopefully some MySpace stalkers.

With special guests
Broadway encyclopedia, Seth Rudetsky
Competitive eater and rapper, Badlands Booker

Visit our Website here.
And check out 2 of our videos here: MOMMY TIME and WELCOME TO OUR HOUSE!

Watch me on Hannity and Colmes

2007-05-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

I am becoming a total ho for free speech! This time talking about O&A (Opie and Anthony) being suspended from XM, a pay sattelite network.

This is me on Hannity and Colmes sitting next to the founder of the Guardian Angels, Curtis Sliwa. He seems genetically engineered to speak in sound bites. I forgot to mention to him that my friend, Matt, bought me the Guardian Angels Safety Game - and it SUCKS. You have to be pretty drunk to make it interesting. But, who cares. On to the clips!

PT 1

PT 2

And check out http://www.peopleagainstcensorship.org/ - they are getting out the word about this new age of censorship.

Me on Hannity and Colmes Again!

2007-05-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

TONIGHT!

I am going to be on HANNITY AND COLMES again tonight. Apparently I am an expert on Free Speech...

Tune in to FOX NEWS at about 9:20 pm. If you can't watch I will post the clip on YOUTUBE if I can get my grubby free speech hands on it.

Te he!

Welcome to Our House

2007-05-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

Julie & Jackie are currently preparing for their new show, "A Double
Date with Julie & Jackie," which premieres at the Upright Citizens
Brigade Theater on Thursday May 24th @ 9:30 PM.

This video is for that show

This piece was based on Soap Opera actress Brenda Dickson's
jaw-dropping 1987 lifestyle video, "Welcome To My Home."

Brenda Dickson is currently going through a rough divorce, and was
recently released from a Honolulu prison.